Episode 049: Split Lips

That is totally vanilla ice cream. We swear.
That is totally vanilla ice cream. We swear.

Recorded October 6th, 2014

This episode contains: Super Special Reddit Famous Guest Sloane Steel, Florida people, Olive Garden pervert, glory-hole picture from Bang Bros. set, going viral, YouTube comments are terrible, complement-ometer, boob rhyming video, jogging partners, star fishing, back massagers and snoring, Dorst getting caught, one handed prayer, the waxing incident, newlywed bliss, the Haitian melting pot, fondue puns, hermit crab, hairy and musky, knee length pubes, Beef-head on Gone Wild, Alan Rickman, spectacular breasts, interview at Bang Bros, porn hazing, director of misc, recruitment for Bang Bus and Captain Stabbin, a salty experience, if you can drive you can jerk off, genki genki, menstruation art, more Brutal Ballet talk with a Wizzard Lizzard GoT cover, soup and hermit crabs and nickels, Kinky Boots Juan, dirty ass smells, fox and raccoon tails, Marie Antoinette, party animal, the haunted house, paranormal investigators, Chupacabra, weird occurrences while high, British accents.

@sloanesteel

@metart

@sexart

The Boobie Challenge on YouTube

Lizzard Wizzard on Soundcloud

Extra special bonus below! Here is the post reddit deemed ban worthy. It was gilded and sitting on the front page when it promptly vanished. But, this being the Internet, nothing is ever gone for long. #freesloanesteel

I’m a girl (the one who waxed her vagina off a couple weeks ago…) and I work at home, behind-the-scenes in the porn industry. I’m never in front of the camera but I used to do sketch comedy and improv so I can act.

My company is developing a new site and part of the site is an audio section. This is where people can record sexy stories, read erotic poetry, whatever floats their boat. I’ve been working on my sexy voice and playing around with different characters and yesterday I decided to try out my new audio equipment and record something in my home office.

I found an erotic story online that had a lot of comments and high ratings so I read through it and recorded the audio. The story was of the non-consent/ girl is taken by surprise variety (which is a very popular erotica theme) and as I read it aloud I got really into the story. A lot of “no, no, what are you doing to me?!” and “please, stop, please I’m scared, I don’t want this, help me! Anyone help me!”

So I’m playing around with the levels, seeing what my new microphone and editing software can do and I’m doing some parts quietly and other parts I’m screaming because I want to see what my mike can handle. I have my Bose noise canceling headphones on and I’m in the zone. Now I’m throwing my head back, really getting into the fake orgasm sounds I’m making when I hear the LOUDEST bang next to my desk.

I scream (for real this time) when I see two of the cops who regularly patrol my neighborhood standing outside the French door that connects my office to my patio. They have their hands on their holsters and they are laughing hysterically. I get up (in my underwear and T-shirt…because I work from home, you don’t ever wear pants when you work from home) and open the French door. I ask if everything is ok and they tell me, “we were flagged down by your landscaper, he had just called 911 and then he saw us, ran into the road, told us that something was wrong inside your home, we knocked on your door for five minutes, heard screaming, and broke open your side gate to locate the source of the scream.” I then had to explain what I did for a living to these officers and convince them that there was no one inside my home trying to murder me.

TL;DR: Was recording a sexy story on my computer while wearing noise canceling headphones, had the cops called on me because my landscaper thought I was being murdered. They then saw me, on my computer, with two screens filled with porn, having a fake orgasm into a microphone.

Edit: A few people have asked for audio of the screams. While I don’t have that I do have a sample of me pretending to be a Hentai girl on a podcast I was asked to be on because of my last TIFU. Skip to 42:17 to hear it.

Edit part 2: Thanks for the gold(!!!) and to those of you who defended my beauty and my eyebrows. Kisses all around.

Edit part 3: Here is a shot of my office, people were wondering how anyone could wander onto my patio and how I could just see them standing there. You can see in the background is a small door that leads to my backyard, that’s where they came in from. http://i.imgur.com/i1gbOjO.jpg

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